I am in life

Tomorrow's chains have been broken by passions of the past
I lose myself in this frenzied languid fervor
But this touch won't leave me blind... this time
A smile greets mine, deals my cheeks a royal flush
Another moment pauses, hiding heaven behind her eyes.

Three days edge past, attended by crowds of solitary men
Swearing they're crippled, these martyrs deliver wounds
to the able legs that afflict them.
I issue the promise this razor won't taste my pain again,
Though rivulets of red spill as I join the ranks of the lonely

This leave that was meant to free bound me close
Again the weeks close, their song will not be sung
My heart was bleeding for an aid that wouldn't come
This soul waiting for another tragedy
Quaking hands rattle the cage though I hold the key

More words scramble to hide the thoughts I taste
A glimpse of life sends my mind reeling, but
I plant the seeds of tomorrow in hopes
For more pepper on my over-done dish

Another dawn lights my eyes.

Hestia? Really?

So, I've been reading these books. They're called Percy Jackson and the Olympians. Don't judge me.

Anyway, it ends with this cheezy message about how friends are the most important thing, and if you keep your hope with them, things will work out. It's a nice thought, but can be very untrue. Some of my best friends have let me down in a big way, and I've done worse to those who count on me. Despite the fact that i can be a jerkwad, my life has been saved by so many of my friends, and I just want to take a second to thank a few.

The first person who comes to mind is Sydney. She's my best friend who I can always count on when I'm too stupid to ask for help. It's weird to think about all the crap we've been through together, and how she'll always be a part of my family. Thanks sis.

Another friend I've grown to appreciate over the past couple years is Alisha. I set her up with a good friend of mine, and she's become the person i call when i need a pickmeup. She is super awesome.

Joseph has changed me into a more happy person than I ever would've been without him. He was my friend when I went into high school, and he's just gotten closer to my heart since then.

I have a lot more i should be writing down, but sometimes I get ADD and want to do other things. Like watch "Jesus is my friend" on youtube. Sorry, maybe i'll talk more next time.

Well it's got to be a chocolate Jesus make me feel good inside

It's been a VERY long time since I've been on here, but this song made me explode.

K, yesterday I hung out with my cousin, and we swapped a LOT of music and movies that we both need to watch. One artist she told me about is named Tom Waits, and I didn't think I knew anything about him, but he's Dr. Heller in Mystery Men. Odd. (pretty odd, actually)

Anyway, Liza sang "Chocolate Jesus" to me, and it's beautiful. But right now I'm looking at two songs. One is A Christmas Card, and the other is Hoist That Rag.

Actually, before I go any further, I need to describe his voice. "Waits' voice sounds like it was soaked in a vat of bourbon, left hanging in the smokehouse for a few months, and then taken outside and run over with a car." He is a blues singer in every sense of the word.

hey charlie i'm pregnant
and living on the 9th street
right above a dirty bookstore
off euclid avenue
and i stopped takin dope
and i quit drinkin whiskey
and my old man plays the trombone
and works out at the track

Charlie knew this callgirl well, and years later she wrote him a letter trying to tell him about how she improved her life.

hey charlie i almost went crazy
after mario got busted
so i went back to omaha to
live with my folks
but everyone i used to know
was either dead or in prison
so i came back to minneapolis
this time i think i'm gonna stay.

This shouldn't matter very much, but it makes me smile how omaha always seems to work its way into things. But this is about halfway through the song, showing how hard things have been for her.

hey charlie i think i'm happy
for the first time since my accident
and i wish i had all the money
that we used to spend on dope
i'd buy me a used car lot
and i wouldn't sell any of em
i'd just drive a different car
every day, dependin on how i feel

She's not really happy, she's just telling him this. Her life is a disappointment, but she's trying.

hey charlie for chrissakes
do you want to know the
truth of it?
i don't have a husband
he don't play the trombone
and i need to borrow money
to pay this lawyer
and charlie, hey
i'll be eligible for parole
come valentines day

And it all comes out. She wanted to impress charlie because she wants a friend. She misses having anyone care about her, so she lied to him to try to be his friend again. I love her more than ever right here.

Hoist That Rag

Just listen. I doubt I understand it all right now, but the song seems to be about being tired of life. Sometimes God uses you as his drummer boy to beat his weary drum for the day. As long as you raise a flag, you can pretend to have meaning, and everything will be all right.

This song is beautiful. Listen and feel it with me.

Well we stick our fingers in
The ground, heave and
Turn the world around

long

I started work yesterday. Ten hours is a long time. Plus the hour ride in and another hour back. It's pretty cool, though. Dugway is not quite as bad as I thought it would be.

But seriously... ten hours. I hate it.

Also! I need to finish my eagle project. I'm making a monument to the benmore pioneers, and i'm very whatever about it, but i want to get it done so i"m an eagle before i turn 18.

tomorrow is my last day of the week, and i'm planning on going to institute tomorrow night! I'm so excited! That's all for tonight :)

bed

I never thought it would happen, but i'm sick of being in bed. I've spent most of the past day and a half in bed, but in the public eye. My only privacy is here on my computer, which seems to be a paradox, as the computer and everything i do on it is out there for the world to see.

My cheeks are still big, but i don't care. I'm sick of dealing with my wisdom teeth. Why does it have to be such a big deal? why can't i just go to sleep, and have everything be taken care of.

Well, there are good things about bedrest. for one, me being sick and miserable got Jenna to come out and visit. I loved it, even though we just watched a couple of movies (and got attacked because we were --can you believe this?-- sharing a blanket!).

But here I am, not wanting to sleep. I just want to be back with jenna having a great time! I guess I shouldn't complain too much when I don't get to see her, but I figure that i'll have to spend a lot of time not seeing her, and why should I get a headstart on things?

Also, Jenna is an amazing author. I love her. And she's completely AMAZING! :) that's all for now.

Oh wait, I can't wait till the blink 182 concert! also, the warped tour will be amazing! switchfoot will be fun, but i need to catch up on them. and i'm dreading the fact that i might be forced to go to the jonas brothers' stadium of fire. AH! Somebody save me and volunteer to go with syd!

chipmunk!

My face hurts. I'm tired. I like the feeling of ice on my face. ugh.

my graduation present is the best ever. i have no more wisdom teeth. hooray. i went out and partied the night before, and i fell asleep even before they started giving me the juice. yeah. but now i have all of this stuff that i'm supposed to do, and i'm sort of aching, and i felt like whining. things aren't too horrible, but they do suck.

but i graduated! and i love tucci's restaurant! one of the owners came over and started giving me advice about how i should try to live the dream. shoot for the stars, and if i miss, maybe a little of my dream falls on the cute girl next to me (jenna). It was really random and amazing and hilarious.

Graduation is over! That's all. I heart miguel and shane and spencer. oh, and you can't forget tony the tiger. they were the highlights of the show.

I got some amazing presents. I got nice luggage from my mom, an exciting ww2 compass from my dad, a sewing kit (i never would have thought of this, but seems useful), and jenna's presents were amazing. i liked "how to be the best at everything", but my favorite was the book she wrote full of random stories about us :) I love her :)

Two Weeks or one summer

Another day another Destiny

Tomorrow you'll be worlds away,
and yet with you my world has started

I was born to be with you,
and i swear i will be True

One more day before the storm
at the barricades of freedom!

How can I live when we are parted?

Tomorrow we'll discover
what our God in Heaven has in store!
One more dawn.
One more day.
One day more.

Speak

I guess I was in a bad mood yesterday. Today I'm understanding that things have changed. We're both different now, and that's okay. I keep wanting to have things be... something. Not like they were. Not like they are. Just civil. But I need to relax. I keep wanting things to be better, but life is good. I can't get everything I want, and besides, life could be worse.

I'm finally Realizing why I've been so upset. I want to feel free of any guilt. I want her to feel happy. But if any action I take makes her more upset, then isn't it a bad thing to try to help? I'm not sure what to do, but I think that I'm ready to try to forget. I don't need forgiveness for doing what I've done in this relationship--it would be nice, but I'm learning that I can survive without things being like they were. I pray for her that she might be happy.

Well I sat down next to a photograph
Tried my best almost made her laugh
She was my toughest crowd

Well I sat down next to a living hell
Tried my best until I struck out

And it's not me
Not my sanctity
These aren't my words to you
It's all clear when it's not from here
So clear
So I'll try not to speak

I guess I'll try not to speak. When everything I do hurts her, the best move is to let her try to be happy on her own, isn't it?
:'(
isn't it?

In my khaki pants

every time i look at her and what she does, it makes me hurt. i think i've done everything i can to make things better between us, and she is still angry and trying to find a way to forget about it.

this whole year i've been wanting to do something happy with her, but i can't do anything. then finally, we talked after i apologized to her and begged for her to be my friend again. that night was great, and i felt so happy. and i didn't think there'd be a problem with me being busy and working all of the time, but now laura won't talk to me. i say two words, and she has to go. every time. gah!

and i talked to colin today. he treated me like a jerk for not writing every week, and he told me i was complaining like usual about everything. then i was telling becca about it, and ks thought i was yelling at her, and blew up. i wish that people wouldn't get offended for what i do. i don't want to have people hating me. i didn't ever set out to hurt anyone, and i'm doing my best to fix whatever i've done wrong.

on a good note, Jenna is amazing. We went to Sadies last night, and it was really a blast. The Desert Star Theatre was a lot of fun, and we went to Temple Square :D. The Temple Square trip was really great, cause it was spur of the moment, and we met Elder Atchley there (Jenna's missionary that just got transferred. I call him Elder Panic! at the Disco). Then we went up to the roof of the Joseph Smith Memorial Building and just sat and looked at temple square for a while. :D It made me so happy, and Jenna was just like "I could sit here forever."

trolley square is a creepy place. It was just like a complete downer, and I wasn't surprised that there was a shooting there a year ago. You know how they have horror movies set in like dark hallways and creepy carnivals? It was like that. And there was just a lot of creepy garbage there. I felt dirty after we left.

I love being outrageous and talking to strangers. Like we were at the gateway and asked to take a picture with some lady's dog. It totally made her day, and she was all excited, and told about how his name was Timothy. :D Happy random strangers are always good. I love meeting random people on the street who are just... cheerful. It gives me hope.

why be angry?

Everything I felt and said was being thrown back in my face. Nothing I do or try is good enough. I am not perfect, nor will I be until the resurrection. Even then, it's hard to imagine. My imperfections rise around me, and I realize that I need to concentrate on people that will let me help them and make them happy. So here's to you, my friends. Here's to helping those around me. I'll do my best. That's all anyone can ask for.

Dashboard speaks to my soul. oh, and garth

This is where I say I've had enough
and no one should ever feel the way that I feel now.
A walking open wound,
a trophy display of bruises
and I don't believe that I'm getting any better, any better.

So don't be a liar,
don't say that "everything's working"
when everything's broken.
And you smile like a saint
but you curse like a sailor
and your eyes say the joke's on me.
But I'm not laughing, you're not leaving. Who do I think I am kidding?And I'm the only one left in this cell.
Does it comfort you to know you fought the good fight?
Basking in your victory,
Hollow and alone
While you boast your bitter bragging rights to anyone who'll listen.
While you're left with nothing tangible to gain.
Which of the bold faced lies will we use?
I hope that you're happy, you really deserve it,
this will be the best for us both in the end.

Just bend the pieces ‘till they fit
Like they were made for it
But, they weren’t meant for this
No, they weren’t meant for this
You called to say you wanted out.
Well, I can't say I blame you now.
Sometimes you've got to fold
before you're found out.
Well thanks for waiting this long to show yourself.
So much for your endearing sense of charm, it served you well
and now it's gone and you're wasted on me.

I guess that all you've got is all you're gonna get,
so much for so much more

Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all
Oh look now, there you go with hope again
But I'll be sure your secret is safe with me
Oh, you're so sure I'll be leaving in the end
Treating me like I'm already gone

Hold it now
You've got everyone convinced that your alright
When no one else is quite as vulnerable

She just might get you lost
And she just might leave you torn
But she just might save your soul
If she gets you when she gets you any closer
We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk it the tables being turned

We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always come with getting burned
We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall

We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all
Life is not tried it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

Loss

Now I watch one of the few constant things in my life fade away. I had always thought I could count on her to always be there for me, even when I was a jerk and an idiot. But now she's gone, and I'll have to learn to live with this change. Change is a funny thing. Sometimes it's necessary, but sometimes it's not worth it. Sometimes allowances should be made instead of giving up.

God is my shepherd
I won't be wanting
I won't be wanting
He makes me rest
In fields of green
With quite streams
Even though I walk
Through the valley
Of death and dying
I will not fear
'Cause you are with me
You are with me

Heavenly Father
You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come
In my world and in my life
You give me the food I need
To live through the day
And forgive me as I forgive
The people that wronged me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one.

Your love is strong

Our God in heaven
Hallowed be
Thy name above all names
Thy kingdom come
Thy will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us wicked sinners
Lead us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons

Please, deliver us.

be my escape

God, would you please rip my heart out and beat me with it? It would definitely be a relief from the pain I feel right now. I thought that talking to her would make things but instead it made things much, much worse. Now she's gone, and I think I've lost her for forever. I know He tells us to surround ourselves with friends that have our ideals and standards, but He also tells us to forgive our neighbors their trespasses.

The harder I push, the farther I fall. And I'm begging you to be my escape.

Fall into place

Weird.

Everything that I wanted and hoped for crumbled. But now life is better than ever. I'm all set to live at USU at the best dorm ever! (reeder) I'm valedictorian, and i think i have school paid for. So If everything's amazing, why do i feel empty?

Time to Dance

Dance Dance, we're falling apart to have time.
I wish i had more time. Not to get anything done, but just to enjoy life, the universe, and everything. That's my need. Oh, and i found something out yesterday... soccer is AMAZING! I haven't really played for a few years, but yesterday, jenna and i schooled some old mexicans, and it was a blast. wooh!

PAIN!

My entire body hurts. mainly my torso and legs, not too much in the rest. except my brain. cause it's tired and procrastinating biology.

speaking of bio, i'm in calc, not stats, soren. nevermind then.

so anyway, i'm starting track after about 5 months of inactivity, and my entire body just hurts. like i have a dull ache going sitting here, but that's the best i'm going to get, except for laying down. oh, i'm a contestant for sterling scholar now! wooh! hooray for fooling the judges into thinking i'm smart!

oh, and the school newspaper is almost out, and my page is totally hardcore. it may or may not be online on http://tooelehigh.org/ under links then buffalog. hooray for sports!

um... i'm tired and giving up for the day. bleargh!

fix things

I was upset the other night, but yesterday i realized something. It's one thing to get angry and hate when someone's not around, but when she is, I can't do it. So i feel like garbage for being mean, and i wish for nothing more than to be friends again. i want to hang out with her and have things be normal and happy. i just want to go back to being really close to her.

It took me a long time to come to this realization, but when I saw how hurt she was, it tore me apart inside. Reading things she had written upset me, but it was just an angry type of upset. Real life is a lot better than stupid online.

I'm sorry. Any number of excuses isn't enough to make up for what has happened. I just hope and pray that we can be close again. I know things won't ever be the same, but maybe they will get better.

happy? very yes!

I HATE MANIPULATION!

So my life has gotten ridiculously simple and ridiculously complex in one swift stroke.

Since my last post, I decided to take a chance. I left the beaten path and decided to go out with a new friend. And.... something happened that i didn't expect. I fell in love with her. It's sort of making me completely happy. Every time i see her, i get butterflies. I feel like I've been with her forever, and i'll be happy to be with her for a lot longer.

Anyway, back to the hatred. I'm sick of others having problems with me being happy. I try my best to include everyone and everything, but my life is exploding in all directions, and I'm trying to be there for everyone. It just sucks that I don't even know i'm doing things that hurt others until after my death certificate has been signed.

So... manipulation. i'm not going to go into detail, but i can feel it from all angles except one, and it hurts. why can't people just be honest?

well it's getting late, so i'm going to bed. gnight!

it's as easy as life

WHY DOES LIFE HAVE TO BE SO BEAUTIFUL AT THE SAME TIME AS PAINFUL?
sometimes i wish i didn't have rules to live by. if i didn't have to deal with consequences, then everything'd be easy. i would be able to take chances; i could metaphorically dive off cliffs to see how it'd feel, but when the ground came rushing up at me, i wouldn't have to feel the splat. so here i am, tiptoeing around life because i'm scared of hurting myself and others.

the edge of dusk

i want to be deep right now. i want to know what's going on in my head. i also want to have 12 gummi bears. hmm

you see, a new friend of mine is basically amazing. i've been helping her break up with her boy, and am getting to be purty good friends. but that's all i want to happen, so i need to learn to hold back. instead i've been sort of not hanging with her if i have the chance.

then an old friend of mine is being complicated. she has no interest in me until i start to show something with 'new friend.' so for a day or two, we're real again, just super friends, then she's starting to drift away again. i think. once again, i'll give my disclaimer: i'm a seventeen year old idiot.

so now i just want to forget about girls and take a great trip to california! i guess i'll just dance this week with syd. that makes thinking about other girls a lot easier. thank goodness for syd.