Loss

Now I watch one of the few constant things in my life fade away. I had always thought I could count on her to always be there for me, even when I was a jerk and an idiot. But now she's gone, and I'll have to learn to live with this change. Change is a funny thing. Sometimes it's necessary, but sometimes it's not worth it. Sometimes allowances should be made instead of giving up.

God is my shepherd
I won't be wanting
I won't be wanting
He makes me rest
In fields of green
With quite streams
Even though I walk
Through the valley
Of death and dying
I will not fear
'Cause you are with me
You are with me

Heavenly Father
You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come
In my world and in my life
You give me the food I need
To live through the day
And forgive me as I forgive
The people that wronged me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one.

Your love is strong

Our God in heaven
Hallowed be
Thy name above all names
Thy kingdom come
Thy will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us wicked sinners
Lead us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons

Please, deliver us.

be my escape

God, would you please rip my heart out and beat me with it? It would definitely be a relief from the pain I feel right now. I thought that talking to her would make things but instead it made things much, much worse. Now she's gone, and I think I've lost her for forever. I know He tells us to surround ourselves with friends that have our ideals and standards, but He also tells us to forgive our neighbors their trespasses.

The harder I push, the farther I fall. And I'm begging you to be my escape.

Fall into place

Weird.

Everything that I wanted and hoped for crumbled. But now life is better than ever. I'm all set to live at USU at the best dorm ever! (reeder) I'm valedictorian, and i think i have school paid for. So If everything's amazing, why do i feel empty?

Time to Dance

Dance Dance, we're falling apart to have time.
I wish i had more time. Not to get anything done, but just to enjoy life, the universe, and everything. That's my need. Oh, and i found something out yesterday... soccer is AMAZING! I haven't really played for a few years, but yesterday, jenna and i schooled some old mexicans, and it was a blast. wooh!

PAIN!

My entire body hurts. mainly my torso and legs, not too much in the rest. except my brain. cause it's tired and procrastinating biology.

speaking of bio, i'm in calc, not stats, soren. nevermind then.

so anyway, i'm starting track after about 5 months of inactivity, and my entire body just hurts. like i have a dull ache going sitting here, but that's the best i'm going to get, except for laying down. oh, i'm a contestant for sterling scholar now! wooh! hooray for fooling the judges into thinking i'm smart!

oh, and the school newspaper is almost out, and my page is totally hardcore. it may or may not be online on http://tooelehigh.org/ under links then buffalog. hooray for sports!

um... i'm tired and giving up for the day. bleargh!

fix things

I was upset the other night, but yesterday i realized something. It's one thing to get angry and hate when someone's not around, but when she is, I can't do it. So i feel like garbage for being mean, and i wish for nothing more than to be friends again. i want to hang out with her and have things be normal and happy. i just want to go back to being really close to her.

It took me a long time to come to this realization, but when I saw how hurt she was, it tore me apart inside. Reading things she had written upset me, but it was just an angry type of upset. Real life is a lot better than stupid online.

I'm sorry. Any number of excuses isn't enough to make up for what has happened. I just hope and pray that we can be close again. I know things won't ever be the same, but maybe they will get better.

happy? very yes!

I HATE MANIPULATION!

So my life has gotten ridiculously simple and ridiculously complex in one swift stroke.

Since my last post, I decided to take a chance. I left the beaten path and decided to go out with a new friend. And.... something happened that i didn't expect. I fell in love with her. It's sort of making me completely happy. Every time i see her, i get butterflies. I feel like I've been with her forever, and i'll be happy to be with her for a lot longer.

Anyway, back to the hatred. I'm sick of others having problems with me being happy. I try my best to include everyone and everything, but my life is exploding in all directions, and I'm trying to be there for everyone. It just sucks that I don't even know i'm doing things that hurt others until after my death certificate has been signed.

So... manipulation. i'm not going to go into detail, but i can feel it from all angles except one, and it hurts. why can't people just be honest?

well it's getting late, so i'm going to bed. gnight!