it's as easy as life

WHY DOES LIFE HAVE TO BE SO BEAUTIFUL AT THE SAME TIME AS PAINFUL?
sometimes i wish i didn't have rules to live by. if i didn't have to deal with consequences, then everything'd be easy. i would be able to take chances; i could metaphorically dive off cliffs to see how it'd feel, but when the ground came rushing up at me, i wouldn't have to feel the splat. so here i am, tiptoeing around life because i'm scared of hurting myself and others.

the edge of dusk

i want to be deep right now. i want to know what's going on in my head. i also want to have 12 gummi bears. hmm

you see, a new friend of mine is basically amazing. i've been helping her break up with her boy, and am getting to be purty good friends. but that's all i want to happen, so i need to learn to hold back. instead i've been sort of not hanging with her if i have the chance.

then an old friend of mine is being complicated. she has no interest in me until i start to show something with 'new friend.' so for a day or two, we're real again, just super friends, then she's starting to drift away again. i think. once again, i'll give my disclaimer: i'm a seventeen year old idiot.

so now i just want to forget about girls and take a great trip to california! i guess i'll just dance this week with syd. that makes thinking about other girls a lot easier. thank goodness for syd.

shoulder to the wheel

I was listening to saves the day, and i sort of love this song. that's all for today

And I say, "Just go.
Please, Dave, just drive.
Get us as far as far can be.
Get us away from tonight."
And I say, "Oh, Dave, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to yell,
But I'm having quite a bad week
And I miss my mom."
And we drive
Dave steps on the gas
The world that's flying by is slick and smooth
Just big waves of light
The radio is playing Queen
And we're rocking out
We're going now
'Cause, hey, this is it
This is where we are
Out here where silence is
Seventy miles an hour and the windows up tight
And I am home.

for you to notice

Have you ever felt like you're alone, even if a crowd of people surrounds you? it's something like this:

He says "Green is the color everyone sees all around me.
Gray is the color I see around her, and she's just a blur."

I feel so alone right now, but i'm too busy to do anything about it. I feel ok most of the time because i'm so busy, but once i have a minute to myself, i feel empty again.
Yeah, yeah, I know that I'm being dumb, and i'm being insecure, but i don't care. I'm being honest to myself, and that's good enough for me.

I want to give you whatever you need. What is it you need? Is it what I need? or is it within me?
It's hard to believe how i am getting by on so little from you. It's hard to believe that i let myself get so wrapped into you. There's gotta be something that would be worthwhile for me to give to you...
We need a connection but you seem to push me far away from you.

sometimes it feels like the harder i push, the further i fall. so i don't want to try to find the her love again, even though i'm dying without it. maybe my weekend up at logan will help my head clear things up. probly not, but you can always hope

MIA

You won't find me, I'm going MIA. Tonight I'm leaving going MIA............

okay, maybe not. I've been missing for the past while, but I'm back now, and will try to post just about most of the time. I was going to say everyday, but that's a lot. XC is over!!!! I got 34 at Region and i got some certificate saying i play sports and get good grades. But there's still editing for buffalog next week and a whole thing about the term ending. woot woot.

Rutabaga.


______________________

sorry bout that, MIA= Missing in Action

die scholarship die!

I am so sick of scholarship applications. and this one is due today, and I don't have DL's stuff in, and i need to write 3 essays, and i have to have it submitted by midnight pacific time, and i'm going to explode!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
i meant to write that one.
so i'm about to die right now. very yes. sha bam.
__________________________________

Update

I'm done, and am not completely dead. Close, but not yet. Sorry guys, maybe next time :P

applications, boise, dancing, ... love?

sterling scholar applications are due tomorrow, questbridge next week, and national merit the week after. bleargh!
the past two weeks was one of the most hecktic (note the spelling, it was heck) times of my life. I was behind in everything, especially sleep. now i'm feeling good, cause i slept all afternoon. i designed my school's sports page, and i had a blast doing that.
i went to boise and back for cross country, and it was a load of fun. i had a bit of a weird thing though. jennii... well we went up to boise in different seats and came back in the same one. nothing happened, but i need to be careful with where i let us go. i want to get to be good friends with her, but i need to show that that's all. it's a hard line to draw sometimes.
dancing with eaven is starting to get AMAZING!!!! i'm starting to realize i need to be more decisive with my dancing, so no being unclear on what i want to do. I tried it a little bit last time we practiced, and it was like... SHA-BAM! we fit together like grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. it was probably the best i've ever danced. now i just need to work on stringing moves together, so it makes the dance flow.

speaking of eaven, she's amazing. she had a party a week or two ago, and my feet were cold during the movie, so i got a blanket. her mom made a joke, and we ended up holding hands. just before this, i'd been having trouble resisting the gorgeous eaven, so i was purty happy. in the next day or two, i felt sorta weird, cause i wanted to keep holding her but i knew i couldn't without messing things up. so when we'd dance, i'd skip hugging her goodbye to keep myself from not letting go.
anyway... i asked her to go to my brother's concert with me, and we had a blast. right at the beginning, i thought about getting close to her, but i decided it wasn't the best time, and she'd not like it. so we had an amazing time, joking around and making up stories. my parents showed up, and we ate some junk food. basically it was a fun night as friends. then came my favorite part. i was driving her home, and she asked "i was wondering if you could drive with one hand"

to make a long story short, i liked that concert. a lot

and my last news is i talked to tonia. that makes me happy. we talked a lot about her and her boyfriend, and i hope she figures things out all right. and we talked about her future, and a lot of great stuff. one thing i need to do better is when listening, be more receptive. i push my ideas too much before i understand exactly what's happening. but i talked to her for a couple of hours, and it surprises me how much she's grown since the summer.

well, i'm basically very happy, and almost tired, so i should probably sleep. i wish you all a very merry christmas. and a happy new year.

behind

I'm so backed up in school right now... and i'm excited for partyage. maybe i need to do homework before party. off to coloring i go!

old friends

well, i've had it on my mind quite a bit since school started, and i'm surprised i hadn't written on it earlier.
last year, i got to be really good friends with this girl. i would rant to her when i'd be upset, she'd talk to me all the time, and i grew to love her. before too long, we were together, and it was great. but it wasn't working right, and she broke up with me. i was bitter about it for the longest time, then i just thought i'd never be able to be friends with her again. over the summer, things cooled down a bit, and i'd talk to her but in tiny bits, and it was just cordial.
on the first day of school, i said hi to her, and she started a conversation with me. now we're getting back to the good old days, where we were just great friends. today, after jennii answered me, i offered syd my fish.... but afterwards, i ate it...
hehe. i'm in a really good mood now. shoot. and eaven just told me she didn't get a lead, but is in the choir. i'm glad she made it, but i wish she got a lead. i just hope she's happy with what she got.

randomness

http://mazzanet.id.au/ball.php the most addicting stupid game ever. it probably took the guy 10 minutes to design it, but it entertained me for like half an hour at least. and i just quit because i have a paper i need to correct.
anyway, eaven is all kinds of nervous about play tryouts, and i hope she made callbacks. she really cares about it, so it's important. and i never get to hear her sing. maybe as belle, i'd get to hear her a little :P
we danced this morning, and it was good, even though it was super early and painful to get up. btw, i'm going to bed once i finish my paper and eat.
p.s.
i heart mariokart

for cute!

at the game last night, a buddy of mine was standing there absorbing the stadium light. i pulled up beside him, and started talking. something was troubling him, but i didn't want to push him to talk about anything. after a moment, he started talking about the girl he's been crazy for since kindergarten. he came to the game in hopes of seeing her, but she wasn't there. so he was standing by himself, watching guys pummel each other.
he's almost in the same place i was a couple years ago. fallen for a girl that was too cool to even know my name. the poor boy has been dreaming of taking her on a date for a very long time. he has everything planned out, and i wish there were something i could do to help him out.
but the best part is that he won't have girlfriend. he wants to wait until he's off of his mission, and that is definitely the very best part.
i hope my talking to him helped him, because it definitely made my day. i'm happy to find i'm not the only one who's felt like that, and i know if he can make it through, i can too. thank you my friend.

busy

i've been to a couple places, and i gotta go again, but i thought i'd tell you i'm having a great time!
sorry, eaven, about your uncle. that's really sad.
i'm gone now. have a good first day of school!

chick book that did once have my inner emotions all up in turmoil, which said turmoil did persuade me be an angered person

birthday time came just a month and a day late this year! (from eaven) yes... and i finished the book early this morning, and it's made me start thinking about some stuff. like will i be her edward or her jacob? or (yuck) mike? that's my stupid thinksore for the day. hopefully by writing it on here, i'll get it off my chest and stop paying attention. but i don't really have much more to say about it, other than i was thinking about it for a little while. but right now i'm really thinking about that ramen i've put off for much too long. i'll go get it right now!
sever your leg, sir.
now i'm fed and ready for a good round of snake boxer. it's a mini game on the SBCG4AP! (strong bad's cool game for attractive people... but you can play too!), but my lil' brudder is on the fun machine. yup.
tomorrow i will leave for the land of ... not... here (i was gonna say land of lincoln, but that's way off) I'm so excited!!!!!!! i may or may not post during that time, but i'll definitely take a bunch of pics for all 3.2 of my avid readers. so long!

---------
sorry about that, eaven. I was just trying to more fully express myself. i guess i did it poorly.

sedule

Just a quick update on my sedule
1 Senimary

2 AP bio

3 Journalism 2 (buffalog)

4 Ballroom Dance

5 AP english

6 Civics/Finance

7 Stud Gov

8 AP calc!

btw, i's super excited!

fhe

I'm sitting here at home behind the computer on a monday evening. All my friends are offline because they are having family night, and I'm sitting here wondering where my family is. My little brother is up at scout camp, my other brother is getting ready for his flight to italy, one sister is probably partying it up in logan, and ks is sightseeing on her p-day. My question is... WHY AM I SITTING AT HOME!?! that's basically what's going through my head right now.
oh, and my parents have decided i'm a dangerously naive teenager. and i need to figure out how to pay for gas for the school year.
but, truthfully, i'm in a pretty good mood. I just beat the crap out of gannondorf, and made some delicious chicken. mmm... chicken

dark night

if you're unfamiliar with an area, i wouldn't advise driving around in the dark after sleeping through a movie. especially during a storm. I'm not sure i liked batman the 3rd time i watched it. maybe it was just that i had a really long day before i went to watch it.
I am so happy. I lived through scout camp, my cousin just got married, and he's probably the happiest man alive, and that joy spread to me.
i've got to go, but in a little while i'll finish the story about scout camp. it includes many adventures (some might include the sound "kabloosh")

tell me, is He there?

Shoot.
I was just talking to one of my good buddies, and he tells me he's atheist. Then he says he doesn't want that to change my opinion about him. It doesn't in some ways, because he's awesome and a good guy. I'll always love him, no matter what he thinks and does. But then I don't see how he can see the world and not believe in God. Everything bears record of Him, and even if I didn't want to, I'd have to acknowledge that He is there. But that's the beauty of it, by learning of Him and loving Him, everything becomes better. The Good Lord leads us to the life we wish we all had.
I just hope my friend will see the fault in his ways, and come back into the fold.

a plethora of idioms

When you're trying to explain how you feel, sometimes it's best to use a few idioms, because they make it easier to let it out. I guess i'll try to let out how i feel about my best friend right now.
Some relationships can't change too much; there's just no room to swing a cat. Basically my problem is I have a problem of wearing my heart on my sleeve, but i need to hold my horses or i'll queer the pitch.
So basically, i need to stop sitting on the fence. Cause my friend and i, we like each other, but neither of us are ready for a relationship. So we have this plan to let sleeping dogs lie. and only time will tell what'll happen between us, and i'll make no bones about that plan. It's a good plan, and i know i need to stick to it.
But, off the record, I really love her, and every time i see her, my knee jerk reaction is to go hug her and hold her close to me. But i know that if i lose control like that, i'll turn into a loose cannon, hurting both of us. And i wouldn't hurt this girl come hell or high water. To keep from doing that, i guess i need to keep my chin up and stay the course.
Meanwhile back at the ranch, she told me she felt like giving up but knew she couldn't. And at the moment, I had been feeling stronger than an ox, so i offered to be her pillar, and that she could rely on me. Now it's getting harder, but I know i can do it! It might actually get easier after a while. Only time will tell.

UPDATE

There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

to be continued

When i think of those words, "to be continued," they generally upset me. Usually "to be continued" is at the end of a tv episode, and you'll have to wait a whole week before knowing what'll happen next! even worse, the words are implied at the end of a novel, and you must wait years for the sequel to come out.
but from now on, when i think about "to be continued," it will be a phrase of joy. I think about my life, and my episodes with my friends and family, and when we have to leave each other, i'll remember that it is "to be continued." at times like graduation, this saying will bring me peace. when i know i'll probably never see some of my friends ever again... in this life, i'll remember that all friendships, all joy, every touching moment will be continued.

soledad

I was recently reading a novel that brought one of my biggest fears to light. I know it sounds so lame, but my biggest fear is losing my mind. No joke. I feel like I could make it through any trial in life or die in the most gruesome way possible, but if I lose my "soledad" (yes joan, i did use spanish, and if you don't get the meaning, listen to this song) i don't know what i'd do if i lost that sanctuary. It's my home, my place of rest, my entire being.

al admirar la distancia de los cielos me da esperanza
que mis anhelos se cumpliran
y aun que sea por un momento
no me escapa el sentimento
que este lugar me da
y por un dia mas
puedo dejar todo atras en mi soledad

And that is how i feel.

KABLOOSH!

Kabloosh is a very fun sound to hear. You hear it when popping balloons or jumping in water, and usually it's one of the best sounds ever. But when you're driving and hear "kabloosh," it can be slightly upsetting. If you're wondering, the car might have made that noise when I was driving it. I immediately started talking to the hunking truck.

"I didn't mean those things I said about you, I promise! Why can't we just work things out? Please don't do this to me. I'll change your motor oil! I know how you like that."
But the big old ford held a grudge, and before i knew it I was pulled over on the side of the road with a blown out tire. My cell phone wasn't working, so i started to run the 4 or so miles home, and the truck still hates me. I think i might blow it up someday.
KABLOOSH! That'll serve it right. Ha.

life?

When I decided to write this blog, a friend told me to write about life. But it's such a wide subject, I don't know where to start.
My life started at a very young age, and I've lived my share since then. I've loved and lost a few women, I've been a winner and a loser. The popular and the despised. I've traveled from coast to coast, looked down from the lofty peaks of the rockes, and looked up at the grand towers of New York City. Now I'm living life on a small scale, just following my feet where they lead me, and praying to find myself on this journey ... life.
Is this what she had in mind when I was supposed to talk about life? If that's not living, I'm not sure what is.