In my khaki pants

every time i look at her and what she does, it makes me hurt. i think i've done everything i can to make things better between us, and she is still angry and trying to find a way to forget about it.

this whole year i've been wanting to do something happy with her, but i can't do anything. then finally, we talked after i apologized to her and begged for her to be my friend again. that night was great, and i felt so happy. and i didn't think there'd be a problem with me being busy and working all of the time, but now laura won't talk to me. i say two words, and she has to go. every time. gah!

and i talked to colin today. he treated me like a jerk for not writing every week, and he told me i was complaining like usual about everything. then i was telling becca about it, and ks thought i was yelling at her, and blew up. i wish that people wouldn't get offended for what i do. i don't want to have people hating me. i didn't ever set out to hurt anyone, and i'm doing my best to fix whatever i've done wrong.

on a good note, Jenna is amazing. We went to Sadies last night, and it was really a blast. The Desert Star Theatre was a lot of fun, and we went to Temple Square :D. The Temple Square trip was really great, cause it was spur of the moment, and we met Elder Atchley there (Jenna's missionary that just got transferred. I call him Elder Panic! at the Disco). Then we went up to the roof of the Joseph Smith Memorial Building and just sat and looked at temple square for a while. :D It made me so happy, and Jenna was just like "I could sit here forever."

trolley square is a creepy place. It was just like a complete downer, and I wasn't surprised that there was a shooting there a year ago. You know how they have horror movies set in like dark hallways and creepy carnivals? It was like that. And there was just a lot of creepy garbage there. I felt dirty after we left.

I love being outrageous and talking to strangers. Like we were at the gateway and asked to take a picture with some lady's dog. It totally made her day, and she was all excited, and told about how his name was Timothy. :D Happy random strangers are always good. I love meeting random people on the street who are just... cheerful. It gives me hope.

why be angry?

Everything I felt and said was being thrown back in my face. Nothing I do or try is good enough. I am not perfect, nor will I be until the resurrection. Even then, it's hard to imagine. My imperfections rise around me, and I realize that I need to concentrate on people that will let me help them and make them happy. So here's to you, my friends. Here's to helping those around me. I'll do my best. That's all anyone can ask for.

Dashboard speaks to my soul. oh, and garth

This is where I say I've had enough
and no one should ever feel the way that I feel now.
A walking open wound,
a trophy display of bruises
and I don't believe that I'm getting any better, any better.

So don't be a liar,
don't say that "everything's working"
when everything's broken.
And you smile like a saint
but you curse like a sailor
and your eyes say the joke's on me.
But I'm not laughing, you're not leaving. Who do I think I am kidding?And I'm the only one left in this cell.
Does it comfort you to know you fought the good fight?
Basking in your victory,
Hollow and alone
While you boast your bitter bragging rights to anyone who'll listen.
While you're left with nothing tangible to gain.
Which of the bold faced lies will we use?
I hope that you're happy, you really deserve it,
this will be the best for us both in the end.

Just bend the pieces ‘till they fit
Like they were made for it
But, they weren’t meant for this
No, they weren’t meant for this
You called to say you wanted out.
Well, I can't say I blame you now.
Sometimes you've got to fold
before you're found out.
Well thanks for waiting this long to show yourself.
So much for your endearing sense of charm, it served you well
and now it's gone and you're wasted on me.

I guess that all you've got is all you're gonna get,
so much for so much more

Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all
Oh look now, there you go with hope again
But I'll be sure your secret is safe with me
Oh, you're so sure I'll be leaving in the end
Treating me like I'm already gone

Hold it now
You've got everyone convinced that your alright
When no one else is quite as vulnerable

She just might get you lost
And she just might leave you torn
But she just might save your soul
If she gets you when she gets you any closer
We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk it the tables being turned

We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always come with getting burned
We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall

We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all
Life is not tried it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

Loss

Now I watch one of the few constant things in my life fade away. I had always thought I could count on her to always be there for me, even when I was a jerk and an idiot. But now she's gone, and I'll have to learn to live with this change. Change is a funny thing. Sometimes it's necessary, but sometimes it's not worth it. Sometimes allowances should be made instead of giving up.

God is my shepherd
I won't be wanting
I won't be wanting
He makes me rest
In fields of green
With quite streams
Even though I walk
Through the valley
Of death and dying
I will not fear
'Cause you are with me
You are with me

Heavenly Father
You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come
In my world and in my life
You give me the food I need
To live through the day
And forgive me as I forgive
The people that wronged me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one.

Your love is strong

Our God in heaven
Hallowed be
Thy name above all names
Thy kingdom come
Thy will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us wicked sinners
Lead us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons

Please, deliver us.

be my escape

God, would you please rip my heart out and beat me with it? It would definitely be a relief from the pain I feel right now. I thought that talking to her would make things but instead it made things much, much worse. Now she's gone, and I think I've lost her for forever. I know He tells us to surround ourselves with friends that have our ideals and standards, but He also tells us to forgive our neighbors their trespasses.

The harder I push, the farther I fall. And I'm begging you to be my escape.

Fall into place

Weird.

Everything that I wanted and hoped for crumbled. But now life is better than ever. I'm all set to live at USU at the best dorm ever! (reeder) I'm valedictorian, and i think i have school paid for. So If everything's amazing, why do i feel empty?

Time to Dance

Dance Dance, we're falling apart to have time.
I wish i had more time. Not to get anything done, but just to enjoy life, the universe, and everything. That's my need. Oh, and i found something out yesterday... soccer is AMAZING! I haven't really played for a few years, but yesterday, jenna and i schooled some old mexicans, and it was a blast. wooh!